I have no idea what I'm doing (and that's a good thing!)
It's taken me some time to get back on the writing bus. I got a little distracted from doing some of the things that make me happy, but I had some good reasons. I thought that I would shake up my life (again!) and change basically everything about my day to day existence. I felt like things were not quite right, and I decided to change. This is what I do.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
It has taken me six months to realize that it is OK to not know what I'm doing, and in fact, it may actually be a good thing.
Let me back up and tell you a story. About three years ago, I decided that I wanted more out of my life. I was tired of creating websites for companies, I didn't feel the passion that I once felt to learn new things. I was burned out and crabby. So, I decided to make a big change. This is what I do.
I dove head first into coaching, found a great mentor, did a powerful 18-month training, and tried to craft my new identity around being a "coach" and working from home. I threw myself into this with passion, excitement and support from my family and friends. I was ready to say goodbye to the corporate world forever and become a healer and helper professionally.
Like a train roaring down the tracks, I dove head first into my new profession. I loved my clients. I worried about them. I strategized with them. I watched them grow and change and evolve. I enjoyed every moment I was engaged with them.
However, when I wasn't coaching (uh, like the other 20 hours in the day), I was not feeling entirely comfortable with my new life. My left brain needed somewhere to go. So it decided to become permanently anxious. Like spinning so hard that I permanently felt the need to lay down.
This sucked in a big way. I was "following my dream." I was "living the life." I was home when my son came home from school. All the things I thought I wanted.
I was also really, really depressed.
I would take long naps. I would eat shitty food. I would worry about what I was NOT doing, instead of actually DOING anything. This was NOT what I thought it would be.
I realized that my heart, my soul, was trying hard to tell me that something wasn't quite right. I kept trying to feel better, to work harder, to be more strategic, to find the happy place of contentment rather than the terrifying reality that I made a mistake.
At our one year check-in, my husband and I sat down in the living room for a heart-to-heart.
In a nutshell, "You don't seem very happy, honey. In fact, you seem more stressed then when you were working full time for someone else. I'm worried about you constantly and I feel like you've disappeared. We want Katie back."
His truth rang entirely true to me. I knew he was right. And it felt horrible. It felt like another major fuck up in a lifetime of trying to figure out who the hell I am and what I am supposed to do with my life. I was devastated.
So, I decided to change again. Having no idea what I am doing. Sigh.
Flash forward to today. I am working full-time again. I found an amazing work family who value and respect me. I am doing meaningful and fun work. I still teach yoga, and occasionally coach people on nights and weekends. I do a monthly women's coaching circle, which has filled me in a way I never expected. I struggle to fit in all the things that I want to do in a day. I struggle to find balance. But this struggle feels more "right" than the other one did.
I still have no idea what I am doing, but I am listening to the subtle voice of my soul, the one that is trying to guide me to find myself, to learn what I need to learn, and to figure it out as I go.
To me, life is a journey of trying on different things and feeling deeply how they resonate and fit with you. It's ok to not know what you're doing. I think the most successful and happy people I know struggle to find their way. It's where great art, great poetry, great inspiration, and great passions are born.
It's taken me 6 months to write this blog. Six months of processing my choices. To get over the shame and embarrassment I felt because I didn't know what I was doing. I'm stronger and happier for it. Don't be afraid to fail lovers. It is the only way to live a life that feels right for you.