Day 23: A-ha! That's what emotions are.

I feel sad today.  I have no idea why.  It's just an uncomfortable, hormonal, shifting sadness.  I'm writing this because usually I eat this feeling.  I snack on it, I binge on it, I use food to stomp it down, rather than feel it.  Because, quite frankly, feeling it sucks.  It's uncomfortable, uneasy, raw. Sugar, carbs, fat, and ice cream usually make this feeling subside (for awhile anyway.)

I really thought about eating some bad stuff today.  I really did.  I thought, aw, it's been 23 days, I can have a treat.  It's been 3 whole weeks, surely I've done enough.  Then I thought NO, I don't want to give in to this old habit.

However, I don't want to feel crappy either.

So, I talked it out.  When my honey came home, I told him how I was feeling.  I told him that it was hard to talk about, and that I usually don't try to bother people with my feelings, but that I was afraid I was going to indulge in a Culvers binge if I didn't acknowledge the feelings.  We talked, about my dis-ease, about my feelings.   We ate a good steak (maybe I was a tad hungry and anemic?) some yummy veggies and I started to feel better.

Yoga really helps me with this lesson.  I am often uncomfortable in yoga, but when I stick it out, and breath through the discomfort, I open up.  I grow and expand.  But there are times (more often than I'd like to admit) when I find myself fighting a pose, thinking "DAMN how long are we going to hold this M*THERF*CKING pose?  Yoga is stupid.  I hate my body...etc, etc, etc" and then sometimes I find the miracle, the ahhhhhhh....deep breath, relax, settle in and transcend the discomfort into a place of ease.  I am not going to lie.  It's hard, and feeling my feelings, acknowledging them, and talking through them is going to be a life long process for me.

Like I say in yoga, it's not about the destination, it's all about the journey.